The use of the sprout stalk as a peace-keeping weapon in Brassica

This totally natural, organic, vegan object has been used as a weapon with which to settle disputes and maintain the peace in Brassica for thousands of years. This image shows the author holding a particularly fine, lengthy specimen. The sound created as the stalk swooshes through the air was thought to curdle the blood of ancient British tribes who tried to invade the watery fields of fenland.

On a recent research trip to the new world, the author found a rare American example, but its short stubby nature is not a patch on the superior British specimen. This may be why the NYPD declined to adopt it as standard issue to the hard -working officers in the Big Apple.